“I Want Him Back”

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It had only been maybe a day or two after the “break up” and I was still thinking and planning on how I could get my man back. I went back and forth with myself about whether or not he was worth getting back. Yeah, he had dogged me but like I said a thousand times before, he was the love of my life. I didn’t know how to continue each day without him. You would’ve thought that each day would’ve gotten easier but for me, it was just the opposite.

I wanted so desperately to talk to him. I fought every morning not to send a “good morning” message and I fought even harder not to call at night for our nightly “fall asleep on the phone” conversation. Living in the same community made this break up thing a nightmare because I would randomly bump into him at the stores and he would waltz right past me like he never knew me, like I never meant anything to him. I don’t know how he was able to do that. How could he walk past me without a second glance? And then he would have the nerve to have another woman on his arm, in fact, one of the same women he swore to me he had no involvement with. I think that’s one of the things that broke me down the most. I would have never been able to walk past him and not feel anything. In fact, the thought of him created one of two emotions in me: love or pain. Maybe it’s just a woman thing. Either way, it didn’t make the pain hurt any less.

I wondered to myself all the time if he still had my number in his phone or if he erased my number like he erased me from his memories.

“Cold world” was all I could think.

          Days continued passing by and I was learning slowly how to live without him. What choice did he leave me? I had to get over him whether I liked it or not. So, do you know what I did? I bet you wouldn’t even guess. Okay, stop guessing, I’ll tell you. I made a black people meet account. Go ahead, laugh all you want. I had to do something to get my mind of Malcolm.

I had seen all the commercials about black people meet before so I decided to go for it. I mean, what harm could it be? It was just innocent fun. Heck, I thought, I might as well go for them all. It won’t no shame in my game, after I made my black singles meet account, I made one for eHarmon, Zoosk, match.com, Badoo, Tinder, and militarycupidsingles.com, just to name a few. They were all the same if you asked me and I found that the same men that were on one, were on all the others.

There were a few delectable men on the sites but I found that they were pretty empty headed when I talked to them. The first problem was, I was probably comparing them to Malcolm. The other guys were trying to get married and I won’t trying to do all that. All I wanted to do was have fun for now.

I met a guy named Rex. He was pretty okay, I guess. He wasn’t Malcolm but he would have to do for now. He was saying all the right things, none of which I was buying. I knew how men lied. If Malcolm never taught me anything else, he taught me not to trust nothing that slides out of a man’s mouth because their talk was slick. I guess that was equivalent to his “never trust a big butt and pretty smile” theory of women.

I kept hope alive. I just knew that one day I would meet my knight in shining armor, but for now, the boy in aluminum foil would just have to do.

The second guy’s name was Lance. We matched on Tinder. I don’t exactly know what it was about him that made me swipe right but I did it anyway. I was pretty sure that we wouldn’t match. He just seemed like he was a little bit out of my league.  He was ambitious, handsome, and intelligent, nothing like Malcolm. In fact, Lance was the complete opposite of Malcolm. I liked him pretty okay I guess. The problem was he wasn’t Malcolm. “Get yourself together girl, he ain’t Malcolm and ain’t nobody Malcolm but Malcolm. All of a sudden my brain started yelling at me, “Get over it.”


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