I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with the ex-love of my life, Malcolm. To me, he was the best thing since slice bread, but apparently about a dozen other girls thought the same thing. He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous but he was decent enough to take home to mama. With that being said though, you couldn’t tell him that he won’t the fine as wine Idris Elba or Denzel Washington. He had this bizarre idea that he was God’s gift to women and every woman wanted him. And as crazy as the idea sounded, it was almost true because very seldom did a woman turn him down. I hated the attention women gave him but most of all, I hated the attention he gave them back. Even with all that, he was still the first love of my life and when things began to get rocky and go left a little bit, we were still rocking until things got back right.
We had an odd relationship but as a matter of fact, it was more like a situationship. We weren’t what he called “together” but it was more so an agreement or understanding between us. It was one of those, “what’s understood ain’t got to be explained” situations or more precisely, “I’m single but you’re in a relationship” idea where he would do what he wanted but if I so much as thought about another man, he would be down my throat before I could even say hello. He wasn’t obligated to answer my phone calls but I had to answer the phone with much swiftness when he called me or I would automatically be deemed as a “cheater,” which I never understood especially since he always made it clear that we weren’t together. “You ain’t my girl” he was always saying but the moment he thought I was interested in someone else or I caught someone else eye, he would turn to me and say “Why you looking at him? You want him or something?” I never understood that either. He was extremely jealous and never wanted me to go anywhere but he swore on his life, his mama life, and everybody else life that it was because he cared so much. I always thought it was because he was so scared that I was gon’ see him or someone was going to tell me that he was running women and chasing coattails. But either way, he was still the love of my life. I loved him. I was in love with him at one point. I know you’re probably wondering how I put up with him for so many years and trust me; I asked myself that every day.
We had grown used to each other and the crazy “off and on” bond we shared so it was hard for me to accept the fact that we were really over. I mean, I just knew he was going to be my husband and he sold me broken dreams that someday I would be his wife. He was gassing me and I was believing the hype. Why wouldn’t I? He was the love of my life and one thing about me, I hate starting over. I didn’t want to spend another year or so of my life investing time and using energy only to end up with nothing and no one. Plus, I wasn’t even sure another man could even measure up to Malcolm. The dating scene was never really for me and it was just by luck that I ended up with Malcolm. Malcolm was one of the smoothest men I knew. We met when I was younger, I won’t go into details about how much younger, just know that I was younger. My pull up game was pretty strong and evidently, he liked it. He had made every attempt to brush me off but I won’t having it. Eventually, he stopped trying to ward me off and just accepted the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere. Some women would say it was desperate or thirsty but I didn’t care, if I saw something I liked, I went after it; more often than not, when I went after it, I got it. Just like that!
Everything started out so good. He would take me places all over the city and I introduced him to things that he never experienced growing up. I thought things would be great and the future looked promising. Or at least it did to me. The one thing I noticed about him right away was he didn’t want to take me nowhere local. He always claimed it was because it won’t nothing to do, but I think it’s because he didn’t want to be seen with me just in case he ran into one of his other boos. I knew he was telling other females he wasn’t involved with me (I was young but I won’t dumb) and naturally, they did what single women do: believed him.
For some reason, women always hung on to his every word and couldn’t seem to see him for the lying dog we all knew he was. But, he was the love of my life. It wasn’t like our relationship was so great so why was I having such a hard time letting him go? I’m thinking it’s because, you guessed it, he was the love of my life.
He didn’t even have the balls or decency to tell me we were over. He just stopped texting all of a sudden and stopped answering the phone when I called. He would see me in the streets and wouldn’t even speak. I mean, what part of the game was that? It confused me especially since he was telling me before about how “in love” he was with me. He went from jealous boyfriend to nonchalant ex-lover in a matter of 2 seconds flat. I had gotten the word from the community hoe that he was spotted talking to some other chick out in the open in broad daylight. Clearly, not even hiding anymore and didn’t seem to care whether I knew about them or not.
Even with all this, I just couldn’t seem to let him go. I wanted him and a part of me felt like I needed him. He had been my security blanket and safety net for so long. I didn’t have the energy or the interest to be out on the dating scene again. What on Earth was I going to do?